I assure you, everything you are about to read is tragically completely true.
We’re calling out for a hero
A number of years back, I was dealing with a new hire who claimed to be an “expert” in all Microsoft products. I won’t go into specifics as to why, but know that we needed someone who specifically could work with Microsoft Access. After several months of postings, interviews, and, subsequent rejections, we came across a fellow who claimed he could do the work.
Not only had he used it, he assured us that he had used it extensively, and was an expert at it! I remember on his first day confidently saying, “It will be no problem at all for me!”
Also note that I had no part in this hiring process, but merely had to deal with whatever we were handed in terms of staff.
Now…it wasn’t so much that I didn’t trust this guy, I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt, but we had had to tell HR repeatedly that we were not looking for someone who knew Excel or Word, but specifically Access.
After brief introductions, I launched into it to rip the band-aide off.
Me: Okay. Are you sure you know what Microsoft Access is an how to use it? I need to know now if that’s not the case. We need someone who can work in Access, not Excel.
Expert: Oh, of course I’ve used Access! I’m great at it!
Me: Okay, cool. And you’ve used it a lot, right? We won’t have time to train someone in how to-
Expert: Yep! I’ve used Access tons. I know all about it.
Me: Okay. Sounds good.
I gave a brief spiel about how I knew this was his first day and everything, and that he shouldn’t feel pressured into doing a whole lot today. We were going to start off very light and just make sure he’s all setup with everything he’ll need to get started.
There will be a test on this
In preparation for this new hire, I had been asked to make a small “test” of sorts a few weeks prior. In reality, it was really just a very simplistic, step-by-step guide to make sure they could follow basic instructions. To ensure I wasn’t being too haphazard in my wording, I did a few personal “dry runs” of it myself. I also had a few other people in the office who hadn’t ever used Access give it a try.
One of them laughed saying, “Wait…if they already know how to use Access, how could they possibly screw this up, then? This isn’t a challenge!” I told him it was just for an extra bit of confirmation and that they might have “new guy jitters”, and that I wanted to see if they had any glaring weak points we needed to know about. He sighed and nodded in agreement; we had dealt with some low quality candidates in a few other areas, so it seemed prudent to have a few post-hiring filters in place.
And, to be clear: There was nothing hard in this guide. No trick questions. No open ended quizzes of, “How do you do this?”, or “What does that mean?” It was literally step-by-step, “Go to file, click on this, and choose that. Send (email address) the file you exported.” That sort of thing.
The ravages of time
Tragically, sometime over the proceeding years I’ve lost my copy of the guide I had made, but I still remember it the beginning of that guide:
1) Open Microsoft AccessOur newly hired Access Expert could not get passed this step. I promise you…I am not making this up. This really did happen.
And for context, we’re not talking about the early 1980’s or something. This was maybe 2016 or so.
The cat is in the bag
The interaction went something like this:
Expert: Access? Oh, it’s not installed on this computer. I’ll need to install it!
Me: Oh, no sir…it is. It’s installed on all of these computers. It’s there, just take your time and go-
Expert: Uh, no. It’s not on here. I need to install it.
He proceeds to go to Microsoft’s website and insists that he would need to download and install it.
Me: Sir, these are secure computers. We can’t just install anything we want. Please don’t do that; even if you can download it, you wouldn’t have admin permissions to install it. Just use the start menu and look for Access. I promise you it’s in there. I checked that computer just yesterday to make sure it’d be on there.
Expert: Well, it’s not there now!
Me: Please…just look. It’s on there. Give it a try. If you look and it’s not, we can figure it out. Just go look, first.
This went on, and on, and on. I must have asked him 5 or 6 different ways to encourage him to look for it. After a while I figured “Okay, this is fine. He’s probably just flustered and is having a little meltdown right now because he wants to make a good impression.” Instead of harping on it, I tried to reassure him.
Me: Hey, don’t worry about all of this. Just take a little bit to think it over. If you think you’ve got it figured out, go ahead. I feel weird when I have people watching me work. I’ve got to use the bathroom, but I’ll be back in a little bit. Sound good?
He agreed.
I took my time, strolled to the bathroom. Drank some water from our disgusting water fountain. Ate a quick snack to get that horrendous taste “water” taste out of my mouth. Eventually I came back over about 20 minutes later. I figured at this point he should have been able to calm down a bit, check the entire search menu and find it and is probably already gotten onto a third or fourth step.
And the bag is in the river
I arrived back at his computer to find that he had downloaded Access, and was complaining to someone else that he couldn’t install it. He was now demanding the administrator account info, so he could begin installing Access. He also wanted to know what license he should use after it’s installed.
Me: Sir, I’m telling you, it’s already on there. Here, let me check.
I took over his computer for a minute and double checked the menu and visually confirmed…yep, Access was already installed.
Me: I see it. It’s on there. Uh, here – let’s try something different. I’ll guide you through this together, okay? Bring up the start menu.
Queue awkward silence. He had no idea what I am talking about. I am now internally screaming.
Me: …Move your mouse to the lower left of the screen and click.
He does.
Me: Okay. Now…look for Microsoft and open it.
He does. Great. Maybe he’s just having an epic level brain fart? I remember what it was like being The New Guy. Maybe he’s just not good when he’s under pressure.
Me: Now open Access.
Expert: It’s not there! I don’t see it.
Me: Do you see the one that says Access 2013? Click on that.
Expert: I don’t see it listed. Oh! THERE IT IS!
You say “tomato”, I say “Access”
He clicks on Excel.
Me: Oh? No. You clicked on the wrong one. That’s Excel. We want Access, remember?
Expert: Huh?
Me: Access. Microsoft…Access… The thing we use for Databases.
Expert: Yeah, that’s what I opened.
At this point, I am past the point of patience. It’s not even 11 AM.
Me: No. You did not. This…is Excel. Close this.
I am now 100% positive this is a lost cause, but want to see what will happen, I also need something to point to as for why this “isn’t working”. I guide him back through the start menu and I point at the entry.
Me: Access. This one. Access 2013.
Expert: Oh…access! Uh…right! Of course! I uh, thought you said Excel!
He opens it.
Immediate, overwhelming deer-in-the-headlights.
Expert: I, uh- Hmm…yeah. I uh… I don’t
Me: Have you used this before?
Expert: I’ve used Excel a whole lot…but I, don’t know what this one is. I can learn it though!
In total, I think he lasted about 2 hours in the office, but may have been paid for the entire day? Who knows! HR got an ear.
Moral of the story
For the love of all that is good: Please, do not lie on job interviews. Sure, maybe there are times where a little embellishment is acceptable, if you feel particularly strong at something. Lying, however, just wastes everyone’s time.
“But what about the position?!” I hear you ask.
Tragically, I left that job a year or two later, before we ever found our next Access Expert.
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